Well, we broke up. I'm so so hurt and lost..devastated, crying my eyes out..thinking why me? Everyone tells me I can do better, but can I? He controls or tries to control everything I do..can someone please tell me what the harm is in going to the bar in the afternoon to have a couple drinks? I don't sit in the bar everyday..or every other day..or even once a week..its less seldom than that. Well..I was having a couple drinks yesterday and he came to the bar and started a feud! Just went hysterical! For no damn reason!! And I wasn't even doing anything wrong..he threatened to take Ahlora from me and said we were done. That I need to stop drinking all together..like..really..I rarely ever drink anymore. Not to mention..why is it so ok for me to drink at his truck pulls..and his bike nights? He buys them...he wants me to drink then..but I guess I'm only aloud to when he says..sorry..Didn't know there were rules with that. But I guess there is. What do I do? Here I am again..with no where to go..another broken heart. How will I ever get through this again? Yet again, a divided family..which I never wanted for my kids. He's blaming it all on me..says I shouldn't have went to the bar knowing he would be mad about it. Actually, I did not see that coming! I think there are other reasons. Like this number I found in his phone. Still need to check into that girl. Should I even waste my time now? Why did he have the right to blow up on me like that? Really? I wasn't hurting him in any way..nor did I drive there..I dont plan on ever drinking and driving again!!!! I was being responsible and everything..like I said..guess I was only aloud to drink when he said so.

Well things went from bad, to worse, then to the worst of all. Everything is falling apart right before me. I need to just get away..take a vacation...breath, to just breath. I found out Tuesday that I have a lump in my right breast..I've suspected it for about a month and a half now..just finally got around to getting into the Dr.'s. Well, I went to my appointment, alone. I really wished Dane would've wanted to go with me. He said that he didn't know I wanted him to go, and to my thoughts and feelings, why wouldn't he want to on his own?? Don't know. The lump may or may not be cancerous, it is 2cm in size and I have to go get an ultra sound on it on the 22nd, Dr. said they don't do mammograms at my age because of me still having so many hormones. He said ultra sounds are much better. If its just a cyst, he had put orders on the paper for me to have it drained. Well, I took the news really hard, maybe too hard I guess. Or according to Dane. He says its probably nothing and I shouldn't be making a big deal of it. Well to me, it is a big deal. It's scary. Rather its cancer or not, ya know.? Well, instead of going straight home that Tuesday, I decided to stop at the bar for a drink..just to cool myself down before going home, cuz I was already upset for finding the lump, then Dane acting the way he did about the whole thing. Well I had just one drink...and a half of one, not even that before I had to go pick up my (old) best friend from work at 9:30. I left about 15 til, and yep..you guessed it..I get pulled over. The cop of course smells alcohol on my breath, duh..I just left the friggin bar like 1 minute ago..well I was really confident that I hadn't had enough to drink to do anything. I took the field sobriety tests and passed..so good thing I'm thinking, well then he asked me to take the breathalizer...and that I should do good since I passed everything else (in heels mind you). Well, the breathalizer machine I had to blow in, was acting up really bad, then it read 0.13. Yep..over..just barely. Who got a dui? I did. So..they book me into jail..I didn't get out til the next day at 5 pm. Now here comes the really sad part, I already have 2 priors. None of which were super dui's. All low..first one was 0.10, second one was 0.15. 4 years ago was my last one. But they all are only 6 years old. I'm scared to death. Because I know it carries up to a one year sentence in jail. I'm terrified..I can't be without my kids for that long..I just cant. It will severely tear me apart from every seam. Dane, now is majorly pissed at me for getting the DUI, not being supportive, throwing it in my face, when in the back of my mind, all I really want is a hug. Someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone to promise me that they will be here for me no matter what..and he couldn't even do that. Now, last night..I looked thru his phone when he went to bed, which is caused from a trust issue he caused a while back ago. Well to reassure myself..I look every now and then..which he gets mad over. Well I seen a number in his phone that I didn't recognize, with a long phone period conversation, a few of them. So I called it, private, and I got a voice mail..it was a Leanne. Immediately I thought the worst. So I went directly upstairs to confront him, needless to say..I didn't believe him at first..which..how could I? He has lied to me before about the same thing. So..it ended up being a HUGE fight! Big!!! He then started calling me names, bitch, stupid, retard, idiot, said many other hurtful things that I was just shocked he could be so so mean. Like really?? How am I supposed to know if he was telling the truth or not? It's difficult for me..and he doesn't understand that..or just refuses to understand. Now, he says that cuz I didn't believe him, that he is at his whits end..and done with me. Like, he must want this for other reasons..to let a question throw all of it into this hault. When, I didn't leave him over finding texts in his phone to his ex wife telling her he still loved her..or the fact that he supposively sat in a parking lot that same day for 2 hours talking to her on the phone. While I was at home laying in his bed..but OH NO...I got over that and gave him another chance..then..the whole chiropractor incident. She ended up being his ex girlfriend..needless to say..all within one week..I get this. I'm so horribly hurt..beyond belief. He says he's tired of the questioning..tired of me nagging..sick of me having to know where he's at or what he's doing at work..you know..the whole TRUST thing...maybe it is just best that we go our separate ways. Just call it a quits. I just know that my heart can't take him being with another woman..or even knowing it..I do still love him. I wished I didn't sometimes..cuz then it wouldn't hurt so badly.
Any advice? What do I do? May as well split up now right? Cuz if I do get jail time..I doubt he will be here when I get out.
Is it so hard..to just wrap your arms around someone..and tell them your here for them..help them feel secure..supported..loved..I'm getting nothing.