Apparently now I am not allowed to know about the income coming into the home either. He says..he didn't know he had to tell me about the cash he had..well..when we are hurting so bad..with practically everything..it would be nice to know..not to mention where the money came from. But I guess its none of my business. I can't believe I am even allowing myself to be in a relationship like this. I've always told myself that I wouldn't do this to me again..I would not allow myself to be unhappy..or feel like I'm being treated as a child..or abused for that matter. Where in the hell is my back bone?

Do Men Really Ever Change?

Well I left Dane on Saturday night after he called the cops on me..which didn't turn out in his favor at all. Yes, we got into a fight over the accident. Well instead of wanting to fight, I went upstairs to lie down to get a way from it. About 15 minutes later..he was standing at our doorway of our bedroom yelling and screaming at me again..I jumped up and told him to leave me alone that I didn't want to talk. He just kept screaming at me and getting in my face..closer and closer to where he was spitting on me. At that point..out of being fed up..I started packing my shit..told him I was going to leave for a while..he came over to the closet and started taking my things out and throwing them at me saying 'here..I'll fucking help you'..and for some odd reason..he kept getting in my face trying to provoke me to hit him. I told him to get out of my face..kept telling him..at that point he was throwing hangers at me..in my face..so finally..yes..I pushed his head away from me..my ring cought his forehead. Well then he started calling the police. He told me that's what he wanted..cuz If he could get them to arrest me..then he would get Ahlora. Well I went to the bathroom to call my mom to come and get me. While I was in the bathroom he came to the door..called me a stupid fucking bitch..saying this is what I wanted..all in the mean time I'm bawling my eyes out..thinking why does he always get so mad so easily. Then I heard it..he punched the wall right outside the bathroom where I was standing. Well..then the cops show up. They took him aside and spoke to him..and I was outside smoking. The guy then came outside..saying Dane told them that he punched the wall next to me. The cop said that that is violence..and how often does Dane do this.? I'm confused at this point...what are they trying to say to me? He asked if Dane ever threatened me and things like that. I said he didn't threaten me..however..hitting things near me..he always does that. The cop then said that one day..that could end up being me. That Dane needs anger management..and such. They then asked me to write a police report on him..I refused to do that..cuz I'm thinking right at this point...where were you guys 3 years ago when I was getting the shit beat out of me? Thinking..Dane didn't even hit me..and you are this picky on him? But they kept insisting that Dane is violent..that he needs help. They wanted to take me to the womens shelter with the baby and everything..gave me Crossroads Victimes hotline numbers and what not..I'm like..what!!?? I told them no..I was crying..I love this man..are you sure he could ever end up hitting me? They were telling me that 90 percent of the time it does end up that way. Well my mom showed up and I decided to just leave and have her take me to my sisters. I stayed at my sisters Saturday night. All I could do was cry..it hurt so bad. It still does. To hear Dane speak to me the way that he did..try to provoke me to hit him just so he could get me arrested..when did we ever get like this..what went wrong? I came home yesterday..after long talking with him on the phone..agreeing to get counciling..and telling him that he needs anger management,,he knows that he has a temper. A bad one!! I've known this too..but never thought it was considered violence. I mean..why would I? I've been in 'violence'..horrible types. Yes..Dane does verbally violate ..and mentally..but never physical. I'm thinking..why me? Again?. Sometimes...I think words hurt more than bruises. Plus not to mention..Dane will even say..at least I don't beat the fuck out of you like Cory did..but you liked it tho didn't you? Is it okay for him to say those things to me? I didn't stay with Cory for 4 years because I liked it..I stayed because I felt that I loved him too much to leave. Plus the stability of my children.
I need advice..badly. I don't know what to do. My heart tells me to stay..but my mind thinks its smart to leave. And chalk this as another loss. I don't want to hurt again..I fear that more than anything. Should I try the counciling with him? Or do they really ever change?

So here's the whole bit on my life. Today I got into an accident. Well..needless to say..I don't have a license. I owe 1700.00 in reinstatement fees..not to mention I have to take a new drivers test exam. Plus whatever I get out of this whole ordeal. What the hell am I to do? The accident wasn't my fault. Some lady in a hurry side swiped me. Thank God I had the truck..or there probably would have been more damage. Our truck was too tall to really hit her..it was the tire that did the damage. Merry Christmas to me! The cop was pretty nice to me..he did impound the truck..but didn't arrest me. The reason for the license thing..well..long story..I've been trying to pay on it and fix it..I don't have that much money..and the problems with my license occurred when I was with my ex Cory. The last incodent would have been when I was running from him cuz he was hitting me. He went through my phone one night and found a message saying ' Hope you have a good day at work'..from one of our friends. He got jealous..and started grabbing my arms and pushing me around. I then went outside and jumped in my car. I tried driving to a friends house to call the police on him..and thats when he and his friends which were chasing me..pulled their car out in front of me leaving me no choice but to stop. Cory jumped out of the car..came up to my window..which was down cuz I was smoking..(he always said I wasn't aloud to smoke)..which that pissed him off..he grabbed my ciggarette out of my mouth and burnt me with it on the side of my neck. Then was trying to grab for my purse cuz our bank card was in there..when I wouldn't let him have it..he punched me in the left side of my face..hard..and kept hitting..and hitting..til I realized to just back up and go around..so I put the car in gear..and sped off..I got to the drive way in the middle of our house and two others..and jumped out of the car..left the car running..went to the neighbors..they knew of how Cory treated me..they called the sherriffs. The sherriffs that came..were Cory's friends from highschool. Needless to say..he didn't get charged with anything..I did. A dui. Which were the drinks I had at our friends house. They arrested me..not him..even tho I had the marks of him hitting me..VERY MUCH SO..on our way to the station..I had a seizure..from the concussion I had that Cory gave me. They had to take me to the emergency room..which I was kept over night for observation..Cory..called my hospital room that next morning asking when I was going to be leaving cuz he needed to be seen..he thought his right hand was broken..from hitting me in the face as many times as he did. He told the police it was him hitting the car. But there were no marks in the car..and he never did hit the car either. Anyways..long story short..I got a DUI out of that..and since then..my license has been fucked up. So here I am yet again..trying to fix my past. This really sucks..I have no Idea where I'm going to come up with the money. I don't want to go to jail. And Dane..well..he acted as if his truck was more important..it took him til the third call to see if I was okay. First calls were about his truck.
I'm sad...I'm mad..I just don't know what to do.

Christmas is Coming!!

Well Christmas time is closing in..and I have ZERO shopping done!! Yeah..I know..should've started on that a while ago..lol. For some reason..I'm always last at getting things done when it comes to getting gifts. Then I get the shitty end of the collection left. I think its cuz I wanna pay as many bills as I can..then use what I have left. Besides..what's Christmas without electricity?
Things are so hectic around the house. Dane is barely ever home, and when he is..he is so exhausted from doing everything else..that he falls asleep on our only time that we do have. I hate saying anything to him cuz I know he is tired..but I wish that he would balance out his time a little better. I asked him before taking this coaching job if it was going to be overwhelming..and he insisted that he would be fine. Well..sorry to say it..but I see it already taking a toll. I hate that he doesn't spend much time with his daughter. That just crawls under my skin. I never had a father..so I guess it may get to me a little more than others because I don't want her to have to experience that.
Good thing is that this coaching is what is paying for our Christmas this year. We have been doing nothing but struggle these past two months. I cant find a job for the life of me!! Thought the health feild was a smart choice..well..pfft!!! I hate that he is doing things on his own. Not to mention he reminds me of it day to day. So that doens't ease up the tension any. I just cant wait til I get my new job and then things will start looking up again..I hope.
I am excited about Christmas tho..the girls are finally getting a WII. Took forever for them to ask for one..lol. They are more into barbies and that sorta stuff still. I love all these excersise games that they have out now..think I'm going to try some of them. My goal is to be in a size 2 by Summer time. I'm in a 7 now. Got a long way to go...Back to Christmas...
The tree is up..I'm not too fancy and extravagent on mine. Its all white lights..with red bows..and the girls 2009 ornaments. It's actually very simple..but pretty!
Don't got any lights up outside yet...Been buggin Dane to do that..but well..as you know..doesn't have the time.
Anywho..I'm going to go for now..fingers are hurting..been doing tons of resume builders all day..trying to make things perfect to get a job..

I dont know what it is..

I'm not quite sure what is going on..but something is. Dane hasn't been acting right since he started this new coaching job. He acts like he doesn't want to talk to me or even be around me. I tell him that when he is home that he needs to spend more time with us..and all he does is go on the computer or watch tv. He doesn't play with his daughter or even act like she is in the room. I don't want to accuse him of something he isn't doing..so therefore I don't know the right way of going about this. But when something isn't right..a person just knows. He acts like he doesn't have to tell me where he is or what he is doing or anything. Like he used to call me on his lunch..for the past two weeks..he calls me either before or after. And then says that I just make a big deal of everything. I'm afraid to ask him anything or say anything to him anymore..all he does is say that I'm making a big deal of things. When I'm just following how I feel. It's like he doesn't want to hear me at all. When he is doing something wrong..I can't say anything..he just bites my head off and blames it on me. We don't talk much anymore, not affectionate much anymore either. Its almost like we aren't even a couple. He does his own thing and prefers at most times that I shouldn't have to know about it. That I should just trust him no matter what..when if you knew what he had done in the past..you wouldn't trust him either. I'm trying to get that trust back in him..I just can't do it alone. He expects me to tho. It takes him to help me here..he is the one who betrayed my trust.
Anywho..
He just called me..and yep..an argument broke out. I tried telling him how I feel..and of course..what did he say? I was making a 'big deal'..well sorry..when I have to tell you to spend time with your own child and family..there lies issues.
~As for my day today~
I need to run to the bank, take my sister home, get my nails done, ..with my own money..since he just bitched that he pays all the bills and can't buy nothing for himself. Then I'm gonna pay the electric and water bill..so that he doesn't have to worry about that either. As soon as I'm done writing this..I guess I'll beg for my job back at Sterling House, even though that dents my pride..just so that he isn't paying everything. Why rub that in my face ya know? I feel bad enough as it is. So busy day today..hope I can get everything done...

New

So, I'm new here. I'm a huge blogger..but recently found out that Myspace isn't the best place for that..so a good friend of mine refered me to this place..so here I am..and I'm gonna give this a shot!
Today hasn't been a very good day for me. Went to run some errands in town today and my car starts to act retarded. It overheated every time I was at a stop light! Then when I went to go again..the temperature went back down again. So I had to turn around and come back home. Dane's work van is in the shop too..and now I'm not sure how he and I are going to do things with just the truck. Guess we will find a way.?
Tonight he starts the new coaching job for wrestling at our school here. He went to college for physical fitness and strength and conditioning. Finally is getting to do something with his degree. Since almost 10 years ago. He owns his own construction company out of the bigger city near us. It makes us good money..but extra never hurts..especially since most people do what we do..lol..when make more money..some how..you tend to take on more bills..and usually..bigger ones.
The only thing that upsets me about this coaching is that he is never going to be home now. I don't like that at all. We have a child under 1 years of age..and its so critical for her to be around her father as much as she can be. For some reason..he always has to find something to occupy his time. When he didn't have this coaching job..he always wanted to do side jobs..like..I begin to think that maybe he just doesn't want to be home.I don't want to tell him he can't do these things tho cuz then he gets mad..or he even gets mad when I bring it up just to talk about it. Like for instance..'you really shouldn't pick up all these extra things to do, Ahlora needs to be around you when you do have the time instead of you filling that time with something else". He would spit back fire and say..'Fine, fuck it..I just wont do it!..and that I never let him do anything" Which is plain bullshit. He takes a weekend vacation every month out of 9 months in the year. Away from us..to go dirtbiking. He goes to indoor arenas, the track that he shares with a friend of his..But I really don't say anything anymore now..cuz all he does is get mad..and thinks I'm trying to take from him..when in reality..all I'm trying to do is give to him..the time with his daughter. She needs that. But when I feel locked in a corner and not wanting to piss him off..I just don't say anything anymore. I'm usually a very blunt person..but now..I'm not sure whats happening to me..I guess I just want to spare him being pissed at me..when honestly.. I think I am right on this. Or maybe I'm not. Who knows. But when he says he never gets to do anything..that just really gets under my skin. Our whole summer revolves around him and his hobbies. Truck and tractor pulls to the harley bike nights, to dirtbiking,..last year he promised we would take the kids on a vacation or even the zoo for that matter..well..we never went. Just like he promised me a 'whole' weekend to Hocking Hills..well..yeah..we went for about 5 hours of a day. Thats it. Promised me that I could see the changing of the leaves..well..by the time we got there..they were already on the ground. Why did we only go one day you ask? Cuz that weekend before..he took his trip down there with the dirt bike first. Is it just me? Or do I bitch to much? Or have a right to bitch?
Well..look on the bright side..he did buy me a new girraffe print purse and some new shoes. Yesterday..
Well..I'll keep ya posted..gonna run off of here for now..felt good to get that out tho..man thats been buggin me!!