Well, we broke up. I'm so so hurt and lost..devastated, crying my eyes out..thinking why me? Everyone tells me I can do better, but can I? He controls or tries to control everything I do..can someone please tell me what the harm is in going to the bar in the afternoon to have a couple drinks? I don't sit in the bar everyday..or every other day..or even once a week..its less seldom than that. Well..I was having a couple drinks yesterday and he came to the bar and started a feud! Just went hysterical! For no damn reason!! And I wasn't even doing anything wrong..he threatened to take Ahlora from me and said we were done. That I need to stop drinking all together..like..really..I rarely ever drink anymore. Not to mention..why is it so ok for me to drink at his truck pulls..and his bike nights? He buys them...he wants me to drink then..but I guess I'm only aloud to when he says..sorry..Didn't know there were rules with that. But I guess there is. What do I do? Here I am again..with no where to go..another broken heart. How will I ever get through this again? Yet again, a divided family..which I never wanted for my kids. He's blaming it all on me..says I shouldn't have went to the bar knowing he would be mad about it. Actually, I did not see that coming! I think there are other reasons. Like this number I found in his phone. Still need to check into that girl. Should I even waste my time now? Why did he have the right to blow up on me like that? Really? I wasn't hurting him in any way..nor did I drive there..I dont plan on ever drinking and driving again!!!! I was being responsible and everything..like I said..guess I was only aloud to drink when he said so.

Well things went from bad, to worse, then to the worst of all. Everything is falling apart right before me. I need to just get away..take a vacation...breath, to just breath. I found out Tuesday that I have a lump in my right breast..I've suspected it for about a month and a half now..just finally got around to getting into the Dr.'s. Well, I went to my appointment, alone. I really wished Dane would've wanted to go with me. He said that he didn't know I wanted him to go, and to my thoughts and feelings, why wouldn't he want to on his own?? Don't know. The lump may or may not be cancerous, it is 2cm in size and I have to go get an ultra sound on it on the 22nd, Dr. said they don't do mammograms at my age because of me still having so many hormones. He said ultra sounds are much better. If its just a cyst, he had put orders on the paper for me to have it drained. Well, I took the news really hard, maybe too hard I guess. Or according to Dane. He says its probably nothing and I shouldn't be making a big deal of it. Well to me, it is a big deal. It's scary. Rather its cancer or not, ya know.? Well, instead of going straight home that Tuesday, I decided to stop at the bar for a drink..just to cool myself down before going home, cuz I was already upset for finding the lump, then Dane acting the way he did about the whole thing. Well I had just one drink...and a half of one, not even that before I had to go pick up my (old) best friend from work at 9:30. I left about 15 til, and yep..you guessed it..I get pulled over. The cop of course smells alcohol on my breath, duh..I just left the friggin bar like 1 minute ago..well I was really confident that I hadn't had enough to drink to do anything. I took the field sobriety tests and passed..so good thing I'm thinking, well then he asked me to take the breathalizer...and that I should do good since I passed everything else (in heels mind you). Well, the breathalizer machine I had to blow in, was acting up really bad, then it read 0.13. Yep..over..just barely. Who got a dui? I did. So..they book me into jail..I didn't get out til the next day at 5 pm. Now here comes the really sad part, I already have 2 priors. None of which were super dui's. All low..first one was 0.10, second one was 0.15. 4 years ago was my last one. But they all are only 6 years old. I'm scared to death. Because I know it carries up to a one year sentence in jail. I'm terrified..I can't be without my kids for that long..I just cant. It will severely tear me apart from every seam. Dane, now is majorly pissed at me for getting the DUI, not being supportive, throwing it in my face, when in the back of my mind, all I really want is a hug. Someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone to promise me that they will be here for me no matter what..and he couldn't even do that. Now, last night..I looked thru his phone when he went to bed, which is caused from a trust issue he caused a while back ago. Well to reassure myself..I look every now and then..which he gets mad over. Well I seen a number in his phone that I didn't recognize, with a long phone period conversation, a few of them. So I called it, private, and I got a voice mail..it was a Leanne. Immediately I thought the worst. So I went directly upstairs to confront him, needless to say..I didn't believe him at first..which..how could I? He has lied to me before about the same thing. So..it ended up being a HUGE fight! Big!!! He then started calling me names, bitch, stupid, retard, idiot, said many other hurtful things that I was just shocked he could be so so mean. Like really?? How am I supposed to know if he was telling the truth or not? It's difficult for me..and he doesn't understand that..or just refuses to understand. Now, he says that cuz I didn't believe him, that he is at his whits end..and done with me. Like, he must want this for other reasons..to let a question throw all of it into this hault. When, I didn't leave him over finding texts in his phone to his ex wife telling her he still loved her..or the fact that he supposively sat in a parking lot that same day for 2 hours talking to her on the phone. While I was at home laying in his bed..but OH NO...I got over that and gave him another chance..then..the whole chiropractor incident. She ended up being his ex girlfriend..needless to say..all within one week..I get this. I'm so horribly hurt..beyond belief. He says he's tired of the questioning..tired of me nagging..sick of me having to know where he's at or what he's doing at work..you know..the whole TRUST thing...maybe it is just best that we go our separate ways. Just call it a quits. I just know that my heart can't take him being with another woman..or even knowing it..I do still love him. I wished I didn't sometimes..cuz then it wouldn't hurt so badly.
Any advice? What do I do? May as well split up now right? Cuz if I do get jail time..I doubt he will be here when I get out.
Is it so hard..to just wrap your arms around someone..and tell them your here for them..help them feel secure..supported..loved..I'm getting nothing.

Another Day in Rawson

So, here's to another day in my boring life which seems to be going absolutely no where. I've ran out of patience with jobs not calling me, I mean, seriously, how long does it really take to find a damn job! I've finished my one part of schooling so now I can at least do an STNA job, and still nothing! I've applied everywhere since November! Now I have even applied at being a waitress again and still no call backs from that either! What the hell is wrong here! I can't take sitting in this house another day with nothing to do or feeling like I'm not accomplishing something. We have been struggling for quite sometime and Dane never fails at making sure I realize that he is the only one paying the bills. Like, I KNOW THIS ALREADY, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REMIND ME! I FEEL BAD ENOUGH!! When will it stop! I can only take so much at feeling so small. I am on the verge of an emotional break down. It really sucks that I can't just log in here and simply write about me having a good day or that things are great. When is it my turn to feel like a good person? Like things are looking up, that life has finally turned itself around..I'm so tired, and exhausted. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed for a few reasons, my daughters being the main one, having a home to live in, and a car to drive. Sometimes I feel bad for thinking I want more. Doesn't everyone want more in life tho? To achieve higher?
I'm gonna try to keep my hopes up..just not sure on how long that will last. I think we would be doing so much better if I was working. Relationship wise and financial wise.
That's my rants and raves of the day..hope I didn't bum anyone out..but hey..I do vent here. lol..And man oh man do I have a ton to vent!

Spring!!

Well, I haven't written in here in a while, so decided to update. Not much has changed lately..just now I have decided to just go with the flow of things and well, whatever happens...just happens!
Family and kids are doing great! Loving this great weather we're getting..well..if you wanna call in the 60's great weather..but hey..its better than getting all that damn snow we were getting back to back! I couldn't wait for that shit to finally stop!! I think at one point..we were snowed in our own home! Like 4 feet of snow drifted right in front of the front door, but hey I'm not complaining anymore..its nicer out and the snow has melted!! People say 'global warming'..uuumm..I'm not so sure of that myth. We had more snow this year than I have seen in 10 years! Seriously!
Any who, I started my spring cleaning yesterday and I'm really loving the outcome!! Wow!! My house looks immaculate! Like, I know it should all the time..lol..but hey..whats a woman to do with three daughters running around making the mess after cleaning it. Especially my 1 year old. Wow! That girl can make a mess quicker than you can blink an eye! She is always on the go! I put something in the garbage, she takes it out. I close the lid on the toilet and shut the bathroom door, she opens the door and pops up the lid..and throws my phone in the water..then tried flushing it, sweet little girl she is! lol. I sweep and mop the floors, she spills her 'spill proof' sippy cup of grape juice on the floor. Gotta love the cute little thing tho! She is such the carbon copy of Dane! Poor baby, got every attribute of him! Down to the curly locks!~! She's not gonna like that later! lol. And her blue eyes...my my, they are BIG!! Bright..and beautiful! (those are mine) lol..hey, I gotta lay claim to something don't I?
Anywho..
That's what's going on around this neck of the woods, can't wait to finally be able to pull the bike out and enjoy a nice sunny day ride!! That probably won't be til around April tho. Getting closer...yipppeee!
So, got the spring cleaning done, now only if I can finally accomplish getting a damn job already!! Geeesh! I have my app in every freaking where and not one phone call yet!! I'm getting really impatient...I'm not one who likes to sit around the house all day..some can do it..but not me..I'm too fidgety. Plus..sitting around..tends to make me think harder into things than what I should and gets me worrying about every single little thing..unnecessary.
Well, off to the gym we go...which by the way!!!! I'm doing fantastic on this whole diet weight loss thingy!! Wow..like..amazing what a diet plan and exercise can do for a person!! lol..If you actually stick to it. Yes..the weight comes off slowly..but what comes off slow..usually stays off..its what you lose fast that tends to come back plus added weight! I'm getting there..and my goal is to be where I want by summer time! So..watch out little yellow and black bikini, here I come!!

A little bit of this year

Well so far this year has been ok. Nothing new and fancy or anything like that..just..'ok'. I've been busy going to the gym again..hopefully I can get to where I want to be..not only because it's healthy..but also because I think it would build my confidence back up again..which I need really badly right now. Dane and I haven't been arguing as bad..but the fights are still there. Mostly now because of the way he speaks to me. Sometimes..he can be so hateful with words. They sting like darts stabbing. I always tell him not to speak to me like I'm a child or stupid..or yell at me like he's coaching me. I hate feeling the way I do. Most of the time I just feel so small. I always tell him that if he loved me, he would'nt talk to me that way. I would just ask him who he is texting..and he would bite my head off. Or ask where he's working at for the day..and again..bite my head off. I'm now beginning to be afraid of what I can and can't ask him. I don't want to be back in this position again. Being afraid of everything. I love this man so so much..why do they always have to change for the worse? For once..can't they just stay the way they were when I meet them? I am beginning to think I was meant to be lonely. Cuz all these broken hearts are putting a nasty taste in my mouth about men.
Yeah, we are getting along right now, but I think its because I shut my mouth most of the time and not say things that will get him going. A huge part of me believes that the only reason he even stays with me is because of his daughter. It's cheaper to keep me for his situation. He owns his own company..and child support would eat him alive. Cuz I really can't think of any other reason on why he is so mean to me and barely acts like he loves me anymore..or that I exist. He doesn't want this thing to be a partnership or anything like that..its almost as if he wants his own life..but control mine at the same time.
On another note..don't wanna upset myself today..

Ahlora's birthday is January 30th. She will be 1 yr old..time flies by so quickly. It seemed like it took forever just getting her into this world. Now she is here..she is growing so quickly. Elaina will be 11 this year..and Ally will be 9. I see the wrinkles around my eyes already..lol. I just feel like I haven't made any real accomplishments as in jobs and finance..I've gone to college..got absolutely no where with getting job because of all the layoffs. Now back at it in the health field..and still can't find one!! I can tell Dane is getting aggravated about me not working. But honestly I am trying!! I can't do anything when noone is calling me back..I've called everyone..put my apps in everywhere..and yet still nothing.
I totally need a vacation!!